how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize