once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
