i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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