I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
