Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
