I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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