the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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