we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Congratulations! We have a period
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
