please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
