I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Randomize
