Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
