So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
we have pet lesbian snakes
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Randomize
