Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
