A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
