Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
