tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
