I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
