i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
