His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
