note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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