I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
We talked him into tasing himself.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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