She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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