Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
