Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
