just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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