How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
