A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
where are you?
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.