In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
