Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Let's get the cat blown out
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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