I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
