Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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