I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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