He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
