party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
