does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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