I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Come share oat with me in your robe
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
