My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
