I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
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