I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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