I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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