Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
