Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
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