i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
