I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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