I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
