OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
