If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
We are all done wearing pants today
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
