even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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