i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
