How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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