I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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