for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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