Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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