fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
