Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I am available for nakedness
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
